Property Of

by

I want to encourage us all to think twice about wearing shirts which espouse them to be property of some clothing company’s athletic department. Your Old Navy shirt is not Property of Old Navy Athletic Department. Old Navy does not have an athletic department–at least not the kind which claims property of the muted toned heavy sweatshirts with monochromatic labels they somehow convince adult Americans to purchase.

While I’m on the subject, why do these sweatshirts and T-shirts usually claim to be xxl on the front, when they often clearly are not that size? What am I missing?

And why does almost every purveyor of casual apparel in the USA offer this design from time to time? I can only see three scenarios that explain the phenomenon.
1. The graphic design department runs out of ideas, and after a long weekend they panic on Monday. They panic, that is, until they realize that they haven’t issued a run of “Property of ____ Athletic Department XXL” for the past six months. And heaven knows they saw at least seventeen of the last issue still being worn at Chili’s last Tuesday.
2. The CEOs of these companies like to look out the darkly tinted windows of their limosines from time to time to see people willfully wearing the phrase “Property of (insert company)” on their chests.
3. Somewhere in the corporate headquarters of each company that somehow manages to sell this kind of apparel, there is a room that only a cadre of the most powerful people in the corporation know about. In that room is a bank of computers. The purpose of those machines is to monitor surveillance footage from cameras across the world. Using image recognition techniques, they count the appearance of “property of…” clothing against the total count of people. This gives a rough but usable average of the intelligience quotient of their consumers.

Most strange of all to me, is that I never actually see these shirts on the rack. I know for certain I have never seen one actually purchased. And yet they make up a startling percentage of shirts that I see. Where are they coming from?

Toby – 07.20.08

Huh?
Jesus owns this guy.

Jesus owns this guy.

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One Response to “Property Of”

  1. maureen Says:

    I can’t believe those people sold their baby to Old Navy! That’s just wrong.

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