Close Encounters with Creatures

I feel very blessed in that I have come into close contact with quite a number of this world’s species. I keep a sort of mental collection of these moments. I would love to hear of some of my friends’ similar experiences. Read on to see some of my closest encounters with wildlife.

1) Elephant: touched, ridden, dissected
2) Camel: touched, ridden, eaten, attended slaughter, drank milk
3) Mule Deer: ridden my bike within touching distance, eaten
4) Tarantula: held, owned as pet
5) Cobra: killed, close proximity
6) Python: close proximity, touched, eaten
7) Black Mamba: touched, killed
8) Hyena: surrounded by
9) Zebra: surrounded by, very close proximity
10) Grevy’s Zebra: close proximity
11) Gerenuk: nearly bumped into me
12) Warthog: touched, fed, eaten
13) Giraffe: touched, fed, kissed
14) Patas Monkey: held, fed, emancipated, provided alibi(s) for
15) Monitor Lizard: touched, eaten
16) Beluga Whale: close proximity
17) African Killer Honeybee: stung
18) Sysal Bug: held
19) Secretary Bird: close proximity
20) Gecko: very close proximity
21) Leopard: close proximity (distinctly heard, but not seen), seen at distance
22) Red Fox: occassional close proximity on bicycle
23) Blue Dragon Lizard: touched
24) Hawkmoth: very close proximity
25) Reef Dwelling Eel: fed, very close proximity
26) Manta Ray: close proximity
27) Eland: eaten
28) Ostrich: ridden, eaten
29) White Rhino: very close proximity
30) Cheetah: touched

That’s all for now. Let me hear your similar lists or ambitions. I’d like to try mammoth steak before I die. I want to ride an orca. I’d consider my life an unqualified success if I ever touched a blue whale.

Avatar Review: Toby’s Battle Plan to Save Pandora (Spoilz)

Spoiler Alert!

Yes, the 2009 film “Avatar”, directed by James Cameron is essentially “Dances With Wolves” in space. Yes, it did end with a climactic battle in which the military industrial complex of the future is defeated by an individual who is simultaneously noble savage and American whitey. Yes, I would still recommend that anyone with $10.50 go see it in 3D at their next convenience.

I struggled with the main plot dilemma in the film. The idea of a bulldozer the size of a cruise ship belies a deep misunderstanding of the level of development required to get to the nearest star. If we transcend interstellar travel and make genetics our plaything but still need certain kinds of rocks more than others so bad we will kill for them, I’m going to be pissed and confused.

Before I subject you to my improved battle plan to save Pandora I have to say that the method of warfare used by the humans on Pandora similarly belies misunderstanding of military technology not only in the future, but today. Manned military aircraft are not going to be a prominent feature in the near future. If there is a mining facility on another planet in our future it is unlikely that it will have more than a handful of human staff of any kind.

The part of the movie that really made me sad was the senseless loss of so many of the beautiful Omaticaya people and wildlife due to poor strategy. The heart of my review of the film is my improved battle plan. Super nerd mode GO!

At the outset, Jake Sully knows that a huge, waddling spacecraft is being flown in as a bomber to destroy the soul tree. He can assume, in the technological mishmash future in which he lives, that it will be escorted by many waddling aircraft piloted by real live human beings.

The Na’vi ground attack was senseless from the get go. They should have been committed to protecting the populace. The cavalry charge nature of their attack was not only inconsistent with their nature and environment, it was completely ill-advised for facing infantry with repeating rifles.

It is implied that Trudy has committed herself to betraying the humans before the battle by the paint on her futuristic helicopter. She has the only air-to-air explosives on the entire Na’vi side of the conflict. These should have been put to better use than her daring but senseless “up yours” attack on the command ship thing. With the inherent cloaking of the Flux Vortex aiding her she should have made a surprise run on the shuttle taking out one or more of its engines. If she was still going after that, she should have committed whatever she had to the engines of the command ship thing, and then left the scene. She would have been infinitely more effective with the tools at her disposal. With the loss of their main objective and their command, the remaining airborne and ground troops would be easy pickings.

It was a poor idea for the Omaticaya to attack the futuristic helicopters directly. We see several times during the battle that the loss of either of their very vulnerable ducted fans puts them down with extreme prejudice. I think the Omaticaya airborne would have been well served to encourage their flying mounts to drop large stones or even logs into these fans from above. If Trudy had failed to stop either of her targets, this tactic could be employed on them as well.

If Jake Sully could somehow have received my recommendations, I think Tsu’Tey, Trudy, and many Omaticaya would still be with us today.

Ironic Cat House

Fish can haz me?

My mother quilted this fish shaped house for our cat Lucinda as a Christmas gift. She put a lot of work into it and the results were impressive. It took Lucinda some days to warm up to the idea of voluntarily entering the digestive track of a fish. I hope that the following report will warm my mother’s heart.

I set my small camera up to auto shoot the fish every five minutes starting at 7am this morning. Let’s see what the record shows.

Lucinda is no fool, she noticed the camera as early as 07:53.

At 08:28, the cat is clearly out and about.

Fish empty and cat nowhere to be seen at 10:38.

We have ingestion! 10:43.

Cat clearly at ease in fish gut at 11:03.

Three hours and fifty five minutes later, the cat has not left the fish! 14:38 is the time.

Exit cat, 15:53--five hours and 10 minutes inside a fish.

None the worse for the experience at 15:58.

And There you have it.

Time Savers Pro Tips

What if I told you that you could save less than a second about half the time you use the microwave?

If you are like me, you frequently use less than 2 minutes cook time on your microwave. Are you aware that many microwaves will accept time entries of up to 99 seconds? Let’s say you want to irradiate some food for 1:30 like I often do. Try entering 90 seconds. You may find that you can save yourself an entire button push.

Imagine how this could add up over a lifetime.

Rand()

Piracy is a legitimate form of income in modern day Somalia. You can buy a coffin at Costco. A percentage of scientists believe that everything you know and love is the by-product of a computer simulation which does not have you as its purpose. Try to rectify yourself to that cosmological irrelevance if you can.

Somewhere out of the corner of my eye, I recently read that, “The only real tragedy in life is not to have been a saint.” That got to me.

I’m a married man in America.

I do truly believe that a practical solution to many of our largest problems has been with us for over a century. It is called the bicycle. I felt for a long time that it was reasonable to suggest this to people.

Maintaining our current level of comfort and helping reduce global warming is probably having our cake and eating it too. Increasing efficiency is rarely fun.

It has been my experience that moderation in all things truly is a secret to a good life.

I’ve often wondered: in any given system, how can an all-powerful and all-knowing entity not at least share responsibility in all outcomes?

C.S. Lewis makes a point that gluttony as a sin is far more destructive in developing delicacy than in mere excess consumption.

When I watch a wild animal these days, it is easy for me to think that I am watching one of God’s thoughts.